Another Story Told.

I've been awake long enough to know exactly what time the sun sets, and when it rises. I've lived enough to know the feeling of when a friend becomes a lover. I've been upset enough to know what it's like to want to take your life, and I've been happy enough to know that dark thoughts are not of things to be scared of, but to be expressed through art and heard through music. I've loved enough to know the pain that comes with it. I've cried enough to know what it's like to have your face burn.

I've feared enough to know what things to look for. I've learned a lot to the point where I thought I knew it all. But in life, you can never know too much about anything. You can never love anything too much. You can never be too upset. You can never be too happy. I've grown a lot over the past year. I've had my ups and my downs. I've seen life differently in 5 different ways. I've let go of the darkness I use to feel and let in the most beautiful light.

I've met some fantastic people. I've let people know me in ways I couldn't before. I've made bad choices that I will never regret. I've experimented with things my gym teacher told me never to do. I've seen things I wish I could have unseen, but at the same time glad I saw them. Today I watched a movie that I love very much, based on a book  I loved very much. And I thought to myself: "why did I stop writing?", instinctively I said to myself it was because I'm an art student now. But there is so much art in writing, it's beautiful.

My senior year of high school I wrote my pain away and read it to a room full of people, not just any room, the vortex. The words I wrote slipped off my tongue just as easy as saliva did whenever I saw the sight of pizza. The pain rolled off my back as easy as my clothes did after a great work out. And my heart slowly began to heal once I learned that pain was nothing to be scared of. Pain was something to embrace. Pain can break people down, but it takes a strong soul to pick up and turn everything around.

And now, here I am, a freshmen in college. I am nowhere near where I was a year ago, although from time to time I get lonely and confused. But I'm 20, and I realized not having the answers to everything is okay sometimes. I write now not to be heard by a room full of people but to let go.

Letting go has become easier for me to do now a days. Trying things I promised my mom I would has also been easier. But mom, if you ever read this, know that I love you with all of my heart. And I'm not a bad kid (well, adult) and you are a great mother. I guess all I can say is, trying things is fun.

Mueller has always told me my writing was the best when it came from the heart. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about Mueller and all the documentaries she has shown us. All the stuff she has taught us. And simply what an amazing person she, and how very lucky I am to have her apart of my life.

I get asked a lot about what my plans are after I leave Full Sail next year. And if this were me a year ago, I'd be scared out of my mind. But honestly, I don't know where I'm going or what I'm going to do. But I know whatever it is it's going to be great. I'm okay with letting things just happen. And I'm perfectly happy with the way things are going.

So, what's the point of writing this? I guess I just missed it here. I missed writing OP's, and I missed the life I had at home. I miss my family, my friends, my pets, my state. Words cannot describe how proud I am of where, who, and what I came from....... And I guess that's all.....For now.

Just another OP that will never be read aloud

About 24 months ago he was just a guy I parked next to, and I would love to watch the birds shit on his car every morning. About 11 months ago he became the guy I had a class with. And with time he became one of my bestfriends. He became someone I shared the most intimate details with, but more on that later on. I was just a girl in his creative writing class who was in a serious relationship with someone who didn't take her so seriously. It started with "hey, what's your number?" and escalated from there.

We became such good friends so quickly that he knew everything about me, he knew me better than I did. And I let him in quicker than anyone. I was just a girl who belonged to someone else. A girl who dreamt of a happy ending with "the one". But life had another plan for me. I was all set and ready to pick up and move to California with my husband when he opened my eyes to what I was about to do. I was about to throw my life away for someone who didn't care where I ended up and if I ended up happy with myself. With his help I was able to untie the blindfold and see in a different light. I'm only 19 years old and I have a long way to go before I meet "the one" and for all I know it could be him. But he along with others have made me realize that I need to be happy with and without someone.

It was so casual something that I didn't even realize, you know, the starring at each other from across the room, sending pictures from across the room, sending jokes from across the room, just giving each other that glance waiting for the other to get the joke. I started to realize that I wanted/needed to tell him everything. If something funny happened in my life I had to tell him right away, and I didn't know why. But then, I always wanted to see him, and if I didn't it wasn't a good day. I told myself then that it was only because we were such good friends little did I know that I was falling in love with my bestfriend. We let months ago by, I let months go by before I realized what I really wanted for myself. I didn't want to be with my husband, I knew all along that I was too young to be somebody's wife. I needed to be more committed to myself before I could ever be that committed to someone.

I remember sending him messages to meet me at our favorite spot (the bay) and he'd always be there, no questions asked. And the night of our graduation at 1am I was with him rather than my husband, I was with him til 3 in the morning and he just listened to everything I had to say. When I got home I finally had the talk with my husband, that I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't be what he wanted me to be and surprisingly, he took it very well. I didn't jump the gun with the other guy, at least I hope I didn't. But he was there to listen to the events that transpired.

A little bit of time went on and I thought that's all that I needed was time, I was just confused and thought that I had feelings for my bestfriend because of the state that I was in. But I was far from wrong, I had fallen in love with him in just 4 months. We were/are so much a like it's scary. We're the same person and I guess I thought to myself "I think I just love the idea of him", I tried my hardest to just push away whatever feelings I had until I just couldn't even hide them anymore.

I told him how I felt and it all went from there. Our first kiss, our first date, our first time. And what was so different is I didn't have to give myself up before he told me he loved me. Before I knew I loved him. And I guess all we could do is just give it time. A little bit of time went on and I just fell more in love with him. And even though it wasn't my first time it felt as if it were. I heard in a movie once that your first time with someone is still your first time and it should be special, and it was. I could never put into words how much I care about him. 24 months ago he was just a guy I parked next to, 24 months later he's the guy I can't stop thinking about, and as mushy as it sounds he's the guy whose hand I just cannot wait to hold.

Maybe our "love" moved quickly, actually it moved very quickly. One day I tell him how I felt the next was our first date, so on, and so on. But whatever this is, whatever it was, I'm happy we happened. And I don't know if I believe in soulmates and maybe with time I will, but I know that's what you'll give me is time. Time to become my own person, time to grow, and time to think. But here's to bigger and better things, and the time I get to spend with you.

An Ode to 235

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same...” - unknown

As I rode the waves one by one I couldn’t help but feel completely at ease. The sun shining bright, the smell of the ocean, and the wind blowing with the sound of a beautiful symphony I had never heard before, until now. I let the waves crash into me and the water take me away, and I thought to myself “in this moment I am completely happy”. The past four years have been an experience I will never forget, but I think what I’ll remember the most about high school is this. This class, and everyone’s beautiful face.

I’ll miss sitting in this seat reading my mini chapters of my life off to you guys. I never got to read my first OP because I went off to California, I remember being so terrified, until I read what Mueller wrote and thought to myself “wow, someone actually gives a shit”. My favorite moment is when someone has an OP, I feel so much closer to them than I did the day before. And I think to myself “they are so brave for reading that out loud”. This is the one place I truly feel like I am home.

The one place where I can say something completely irrelevant and not be made fun of. I’ll never forget the day I first met you Ms. Mueller, Hopson wanted me to go to Mullins and I accidently trolled into your class instead. I didn’t know then how important you’d be to me and how much i’d love you, I promise I’m not kissing ass. You’ve given me what no one really could and that’s hope. By just sitting and listening to anything I had to say. I know that if I ever needed someone you would always be there.

I’m really sad to go because I don’t want to leave my family behind. I came into this class with such a crappy outlook on life, mostly because of everything that has happened with my dad. I was so bitter and angry, I didn’t know how to feel anything else. And then you gave us the opportunity to write about anything we wanted, who knew my dad would be in any of my writing.

You’ve taught me more than just literature and I don’t know how I could ever repay you. This year alone I’ve become someone who I’d never thought I’d be, someone who loves themselves. Same goes for everyone sitting in this room, thank you for listening and being there whenever I needed. And Victoria, I really didn’t mean anything by the Asian thing, haha. I’ve written about the toughest times in my life and I can say with confidence that this will be the hardest paper to read.

Without hesitation I can say that you, Mueller, are my hero. And whenever I’m not doing what I’m suppose to I can hear your voice in my head saying “really?” or “come on”. You have made such an impact on my life and I will never forget you. You are such a great person and I hope one day I can be as awesome as you.

The friendship I made here is something I’ll always carry with me and I hope you all know that if you ever needed anything I’ll always answer the phone. I’ll miss Mr. Riley, I’ll miss cheering Leann on, I’ll miss listening to everyone’s OP, I’ll miss pish, I’ll miss Frankenstein, I’ll miss the crazy mother/wife love, I’ll miss Jeff turning on the t.v every morning because I can’t reach, I’ll miss Kristi talking about how much she hates Pre-calc, I’ll miss the “get ready, go”, I’ll miss “you’re running out of days for occasional papers”, I’ll miss it all, I’ll miss you guys. And whenever I’m upset I’ll think back to the moments we shared in this classroom and think about how truly blessed I am to have met such amazing people like you.

What the Hell is this?

There are millions, upon, millions, upon, millions of people in the world, and the universe has brought me to you. You with brown eyes, wide open staring in my direction. I guess it started how every friendship starts with a “hey, what’s your number?” at least I think that’s how most friendships start, I am no expert. When I’m upset you’re there with arms open saying “you know if you ever need anyone i’ll always be there for you” and I could never thank you enough for what you’ve given me.

Everything is so confusing, time is going so fast and I had no idea in which direction to go to. We came across each other’s paths and you were there with a good head on your shoulders and so much to offer, and then there I was. Confused, lost, and flowing with an abundance of emotions. I don’t know where to start with you, it all happened so fast. I guess it all happened when we were talking about the future and how you without knowing taught me how to let go and just have fun. To follow my heart no matter what was in the way. You always point out things I do, just the other day you told me how you noticed whenever I’m stressed out I put my hair in a knot and twirl it around my fingers until I’m calm.

You know exactly what to say whenever I’m freaking out about something which is 98 percent of the time. You’ve made me realize how badly I was being treated, and you just stick by me, which is dangerous. You say you can’t seem to figure me out, but honestly I can’t even figure you out. You’re so full of wonder and mystery, it’s a bit intriguing. But what’s even worse is that you say you love the things most people hate and by most people I mean just one person. You love the way I squeak whenever I see something funny, the way I laugh, and even the weird stuff that comes out of my mouth.

You’re excited to be living with me and tell me all the time that we’re going to be there for each other all the time. Which is so new to me, I’m not sure what to think really because you’re so weird. In a good way, of course. You know me better than I thought you did which is terrifying considering I really don’t like opening up to anybody, not even my mother. I was perfectly fine hiding behind the brick wall I had built long ago, and you were perfectly fine just inviting yourself in and then I thought “I could have said no”. But I let you in anyway, and you sat there listening to everything I had to say about anything. And just like that we became what we are, best friends I guess?

Things end all the time, nothing is forever, and nothing is ever written in stone unless you were around during the stone-age or casted in the Flintstones. And I’m okay with things ending because if there’s anything you’ve taught me without knowing is in order to love someone you must love yourself first, no matter what. I just wish I could have seen that earlier. Some people come into our lives to help us grow, to love, or to help us move on. And I’ve been so happy since you’ve been around.

Everything happens for a reason and we all have choices. I could have said no when you held my hand, I could have said no when you held me, I could have said no when you put your arm around me, I could have said no, but I didn’t. And it’s comforting to have someone like you around, I noticed that I’m breaking out of my bad habits. I’ve been laughing a lot more, smiling a lot more, and just feeling okay again. And I can’t wrap my head around it and I’m sure you can’t either. I guess all I can say now is thank you for being a friend to me, thank you for everything. “ The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched-they must be felt with the heart” -Helen Keller

Wide Awake

You're in a hallway and you see a light at the end, you walk towards it thinking you'll find something amazing but the hallways just keeps stretching out. You take a step to what you think will be paradise, or something more peaceful than what you're in now. I don't know if I'm ready to write about this, but here it goes. My stomach feels kind of weak and i'm not sure if it's because of the medicine, Bentley's fart, or my topic but whatever. I spoke a couple of weeks ago about how I had a dream that my step mother and father were having another child, so me being the curious, outspoken person I am I decided to ask her; and she confirmed, she was extremely confused about how I knew. I just explained it as "I just kind of did", I promise I'm not into any witch craft or anything.

In my dream I had been holding the baby and had my sister Jordann by my side, the baby was a boy and when I asked her if she knew what the sex was she didn't have an answer. When she went to the doctor this week they told them it was a boy, I at this point was totally freaked out, but it's not like they told me anything. I don't blame them for never telling me their plans of a bigger family after all I told them I didn't love them and the only love I had was for my sister because the bond between us could withstand anything, even our already existing family problems. Anyway, I told my mom the news and she asked me if I was okay my response to her was "why wouldn't I be okay I'm not the one who's pregnant, plus I am totally okay with being a bastard", I have a really bad attitude problem which I will not deny.

Although I told my mom I was okay inside it felt like someone was reopening a cut that has barely closed up. I was extremely hurt, what was I not family anymore? I was also weirded out at the fact that they're still intimate, especially after her knowing the type of man my father is, if you can even call him a man. I know I wrote before about how I was ready to forgive him, but that was before I read what I did. The other day he posted all over facebook about how excited he is about having a second child, and I was just sitting there thinking to myself who's child am I? Maybe he's not my father? Or maybe I was made in a lab? At this point in my life I would have preferred my mom tell me I was made in a lab considering what I came from. There is no way this man's blood runs through my veins if he can't even acknowledge me as his daughter. And what was icing on the cake was his friends comments and his reply:

"This is the second child really?"

"Yeah, I have a little girl and one on the way"

Uhm, what? I tried to blow it off, but the more I thought about it the more I just wanted to kick him in the nads. It's so funny because we're watching Juno in health and her mother goes off to start another family with what Juno calls "replacement" kids, which is how I refer my dad's new life. The other day my grandma told me I remind her of my dad at times and I knew right then and there I was a bad person. I joked with her a little bit about kicking her out of the country for saying such a bad thing, but we all know she's a citizen now which she LOVES to say.

I can't help but lock myself in my room and wonder what I did wrong. They always try to tell you that it isn't your fault and it's their loss, but this isn't a break up this is a father forgetting his daughter, his first daughter. My mom and I joke a lot and I always tell her how my father missed out because I am a pretty funny gal, but who am I kidding? I can't help to wonder if the loss was mine.

I apologize for doing a topic I already read about, but the cut that was made about 15 years ago keeps reopening and I just want it to be closed for good. So many times I have looked at 1000 faces trying to replace the love only a father could give, but it never worked. I appreciate my mother for taking on the role of being both a mom and a dad, but I just can't help but wonder who I would be if he was still around. If he would pick up the phone and ask how I was doing. If I ever heard the words "I'm proud of you" coming from his mouth, but I know nothing I could ever do at this point answer my what if questions because in his mind and heart I don't exist.

And I know it breaks my moms heart knowing I look for him every chance I get, and I just can't keep doing that to her. But I just want to know the type of person I would have been, maybe I would have been a good person. All I am now is someone I guess I pretend to be. What kind of a life am I living if I'm sad 95% of the time. I think what makes me happy about this situation is that my sister looks just like me except a little more asian looking, so maybe while I'm out there trying to find your face in a million others you'll just look at one and think of me and what everyone says you missed out on "It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.” Rose Kennedy"

The time that passes

I haven't really updated this too much lately, that's simply because I am ashamed of myself. I took about 10 steps back in the wrong direction. I started to pinch myself again until I pierce skin, whenever I felt really upset or in other words did not feel welcomed in this place I would pinch myself just so I could reflect pain on myself; yeah I am dumb I suppose. Lately, I have been having more and more anxiety attacks, the more I think the more I can not breathe. I find myself gasping for air trying my hardest to get ahold of another life, one that did not consist of constant pain. For those who read this please don't feel obligated to, no one owes me anything; again this was simply made for me to improve on my emotions or whatever.

All my life I was put down by several different groups of people, my friends, teachers, strangers, and my own "family". I have been told that I was worth nothing, that no one would ever fall in love with a person like me, that I am a waste of space, which is all true I suppose. I know nothing else but those things what else am I suppose to think? If the people in my own family don't want me why in the world would anyone else? I have tried many methods to find happiness, yoga, teas, running, reading, and many other things. However, nothing seems to work. Nothing is ever permanent, nothing sticks, nothing but those words.

What made me take 10 steps back? Last Tuesday I got on a plane to California to see Anthony home from deployment. Anthony is the guy I was suppose to marry. He was deployed for 7 1/2 months with barely any contact. The only contact we ever really had was through email. We had a great time together and I can honestly say that he has been the main reason why I have improved so much as far as cutting and other things. He would always make me face my problem whenever I was at a crossroad. Whenever I had blocked everything and everyone out he made me face it head on.... And for that a part of him will always be with me; I can say without regret I will always love him. But I am no good for anyone. I am a poison no one should ever have to deal with.

Back to why I took 10 steps back, I greeted him on Thursday and it was everything to me. To hold him again it felt as feel what I had been missing had been glued back to it's rightful place... We had bickered just like couples do, nothing too major. But I guess in the eyes of others it was something major. My mom had paid for his mother to fly over there to see him with me. The money is not the factor...

Our last day together was on Sunday, we had to drop him off at the barracks. I had noticed earlier throughout the day that his mother was upset, and not just upset because we had to drop him off. She at the moment gave off very strong vibes that I knew had to be towards me, don't ask me how but I just knew. She had wrote him a note that he did not notice by him and I did. He read it, and it had stated that I was nothing, I was not family, I was nothing. I was nothing but trouble. And she wanted him to choice between me or her.

I was not going to put anyone in that situation so I removed myself. I am nothing to cry over, no one to feel bad for, nothing to even thinking about giving up family for. I am like the note stated, nothing but trouble. I know in my heart I am nothing of value and nothing anyone could say change my mind. In that moment when Anthony had confronted his mother and she repeated everything in the note out loud I could not help but notice I felt that way before. Not sure where or when but I could feel it, the feeling was so familiar, a little too familiar.

When I was younger I remember sitting on my bed at night praying that someone could fix me. I prayed so hard to be fixed and for someone out there to love me, and when more bad events occurred in my life the more I put in my head that even God did not want to listen to me. There I was standing on the edge of the cliff all alone with no ones hand to hold, with no one telling me not to jump, with no one telling me I was important to someone. Not even God could have saved me for what I was slipping into back then, and now here I am. Once again at the edge of the cliff being pushed by my own emotions.

I remember being on my flight back home on Sunday night praying to God to please just fix me. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, please just fix me. I figured since I was in the clouds maybe he could hear me. Maybe he can see me, maybe the tears that had been streaming down my face were finally clear for him to see. After 5 hours of that it became clear to me that maybe I was not worth his or anyones time. As much as it stings my heart I can not ask someone to chose. I am no good for anyone anyway, I am truly sorry for wasting your time.

Who, What, Where, and definitely Why....

So, how can I even start this? I guess I should say I feel invaded, haha. I just feel a lot of this weeks topic has been "what made you who you are?". Now, for some this may be a simple question, but what if you don't know who you are? What if you don't remember much of anything? What if you're constantly this miserable person noone wants to be around? This may sound really depressing, so no one has to read this. I'm really only writing this for myself; you see I am very tired of feeling depressed and suicidal so I just feel I should blog it out since it is the only thing I can actually do without screwing up. After this chapter of my school life is over I wish to pursue a major in Psychology, why? Mostly because I want to figure out what is wrong with me, along with helping other people who feel trapped..

Hm, today we spoke my writing class about "what made you who you are" and I try really hard to think. And I mean I don't really know who I am. I do know that I am a very depressing person. I heard a quote somewhere "you never really know a person not even if you're a close friend or relative; because you don't know what goes on through their mind when they're alone in the dark consumed by their thoughts" which is very true, atleast in my case anyway. Everyone thinks I'm this happy person because I do give back, and don't get me wrong I absolutely LOVE my volunteer work, however, I myself am not happy.

Have you ever felt alone in a crowded room? I feel that way everyday. I walk through the halls as an empty soul just looking for somewhere to belong, somewhere, anywhere. My guess is that the reason that I look for acceptance so much is because when I was younger my father had walked out a door that never opened for me. I don't remember my father, which is funny because my mom tells me he picked me up on the weekends and at one point when I was very young I was abused by his ex girlfriend, and a big shindig went down, I guess? I try really hard to remember him but I just can't. My father remarried and started a family. The only reason I call is for my sister, because truth be told my grudge is against my dad not my sister. To me my sister is my world, she is going to be 2 in February.

He never calls, emails, text messages, or anything to see how I am doing. All I do remember really is whenever my mom needed money for me he would say no because that wasn't his problem. To him all I am is a problem, and I will admit to anyone that all I see myself as is just a problem. If I had never been born my mom would have never suffered, and my dad? Screw that guy he left to live the life he wanted. However, ask his wife about why we don't speak and she will tell you it is all my fault because I am a bitter stubborn person. Stubborn yes, but bitter? How can I be bitter towards someone I don't know? As far as I am concerned my father died the day he left.

I'm tired of people telling me I'm a bad person for not calling my father. Isn't the parent suppose to reach out to the child? I have never heard the words I love you, I have never had a hug, none that I can remember of course. I just don't know what I am feeling is right? How am I suppose to feel if the one who helped create me didn't/doesn't want me? Whenever I would do good in school I would text him or facebook him about it and I never got a response. I will admit it hurts, it hurts a lot.

I find myself consumed by my hurt, if that makes any sense at all. My heart literally hurts me at times whenever I think. And the reasons go even further from my father leaving, but again I don't remember... At times I get this feeling and sense that I have felt before, but I don't know where. Funny, because we read "When I woke up Tuesday Morning, it was Friday" and that made me look or rather realize what I have been going through. I may be making it up in my head, however, I just don't want to feel this way anymore.

I want to be able to be happy. I see people around school with their friends, laughing, and I wonder; what the hell does that feel like? What the hell does it feel like to truly be happy? To bury your past and finally be ok with youself. What is it like to hold yourself up when times are tough? Because between me and this blog (haha) I cry all the time, and not just cry I sob. I cry myself to sleep, I cry in the shower, I cry in my car after school, I cry even at lunch sometimes if no one is around. And I don't even know why. I could be having a decent day and then I'm alone, start to think and before I know it I'm sobbing.

What was this rant about? I truly don't really know. I don't know who I am but I do know I'm tired of people telling me who I am. People put me down all the time and I can't help but think is there anything good about me? Even a little? Even at all? If I am such a bad person as people say I am why am I even alive? If I am so bitter, then what is my purpose here? My aunt once told me "Who would ever fall inlove with a person like you" and no one knows that those words play in my head like a catchy melody. And I tell myself that all the time because from what I gather I'm really worthless. Maybe one day I will finally be happy.