I've been awake long enough to know exactly what time the sun sets, and when it rises. I've lived enough to know the feeling of when a friend becomes a lover. I've been upset enough to know what it's like to want to take your life, and I've been happy enough to know that dark thoughts are not of things to be scared of, but to be expressed through art and heard through music. I've loved enough to know the pain that comes with it. I've cried enough to know what it's like to have your face burn.
I've feared enough to know what things to look for. I've learned a lot to the point where I thought I knew it all. But in life, you can never know too much about anything. You can never love anything too much. You can never be too upset. You can never be too happy. I've grown a lot over the past year. I've had my ups and my downs. I've seen life differently in 5 different ways. I've let go of the darkness I use to feel and let in the most beautiful light.
I've met some fantastic people. I've let people know me in ways I couldn't before. I've made bad choices that I will never regret. I've experimented with things my gym teacher told me never to do. I've seen things I wish I could have unseen, but at the same time glad I saw them. Today I watched a movie that I love very much, based on a book I loved very much. And I thought to myself: "why did I stop writing?", instinctively I said to myself it was because I'm an art student now. But there is so much art in writing, it's beautiful.
My senior year of high school I wrote my pain away and read it to a room full of people, not just any room, the vortex. The words I wrote slipped off my tongue just as easy as saliva did whenever I saw the sight of pizza. The pain rolled off my back as easy as my clothes did after a great work out. And my heart slowly began to heal once I learned that pain was nothing to be scared of. Pain was something to embrace. Pain can break people down, but it takes a strong soul to pick up and turn everything around.
And now, here I am, a freshmen in college. I am nowhere near where I was a year ago, although from time to time I get lonely and confused. But I'm 20, and I realized not having the answers to everything is okay sometimes. I write now not to be heard by a room full of people but to let go.
Letting go has become easier for me to do now a days. Trying things I promised my mom I would has also been easier. But mom, if you ever read this, know that I love you with all of my heart. And I'm not a bad kid (well, adult) and you are a great mother. I guess all I can say is, trying things is fun.
Mueller has always told me my writing was the best when it came from the heart. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about Mueller and all the documentaries she has shown us. All the stuff she has taught us. And simply what an amazing person she, and how very lucky I am to have her apart of my life.
I get asked a lot about what my plans are after I leave Full Sail next year. And if this were me a year ago, I'd be scared out of my mind. But honestly, I don't know where I'm going or what I'm going to do. But I know whatever it is it's going to be great. I'm okay with letting things just happen. And I'm perfectly happy with the way things are going.
So, what's the point of writing this? I guess I just missed it here. I missed writing OP's, and I missed the life I had at home. I miss my family, my friends, my pets, my state. Words cannot describe how proud I am of where, who, and what I came from....... And I guess that's all.....For now.
