In my dream I had been holding the baby and had my sister Jordann by my side, the baby was a boy and when I asked her if she knew what the sex was she didn't have an answer. When she went to the doctor this week they told them it was a boy, I at this point was totally freaked out, but it's not like they told me anything. I don't blame them for never telling me their plans of a bigger family after all I told them I didn't love them and the only love I had was for my sister because the bond between us could withstand anything, even our already existing family problems. Anyway, I told my mom the news and she asked me if I was okay my response to her was "why wouldn't I be okay I'm not the one who's pregnant, plus I am totally okay with being a bastard", I have a really bad attitude problem which I will not deny.
Although I told my mom I was okay inside it felt like someone was reopening a cut that has barely closed up. I was extremely hurt, what was I not family anymore? I was also weirded out at the fact that they're still intimate, especially after her knowing the type of man my father is, if you can even call him a man. I know I wrote before about how I was ready to forgive him, but that was before I read what I did. The other day he posted all over facebook about how excited he is about having a second child, and I was just sitting there thinking to myself who's child am I? Maybe he's not my father? Or maybe I was made in a lab? At this point in my life I would have preferred my mom tell me I was made in a lab considering what I came from. There is no way this man's blood runs through my veins if he can't even acknowledge me as his daughter. And what was icing on the cake was his friends comments and his reply:
"This is the second child really?"
"Yeah, I have a little girl and one on the way"
Uhm, what? I tried to blow it off, but the more I thought about it the more I just wanted to kick him in the nads. It's so funny because we're watching Juno in health and her mother goes off to start another family with what Juno calls "replacement" kids, which is how I refer my dad's new life. The other day my grandma told me I remind her of my dad at times and I knew right then and there I was a bad person. I joked with her a little bit about kicking her out of the country for saying such a bad thing, but we all know she's a citizen now which she LOVES to say.
I can't help but lock myself in my room and wonder what I did wrong. They always try to tell you that it isn't your fault and it's their loss, but this isn't a break up this is a father forgetting his daughter, his first daughter. My mom and I joke a lot and I always tell her how my father missed out because I am a pretty funny gal, but who am I kidding? I can't help to wonder if the loss was mine.
I apologize for doing a topic I already read about, but the cut that was made about 15 years ago keeps reopening and I just want it to be closed for good. So many times I have looked at 1000 faces trying to replace the love only a father could give, but it never worked. I appreciate my mother for taking on the role of being both a mom and a dad, but I just can't help but wonder who I would be if he was still around. If he would pick up the phone and ask how I was doing. If I ever heard the words "I'm proud of you" coming from his mouth, but I know nothing I could ever do at this point answer my what if questions because in his mind and heart I don't exist.
And I know it breaks my moms heart knowing I look for him every chance I get, and I just can't keep doing that to her. But I just want to know the type of person I would have been, maybe I would have been a good person. All I am now is someone I guess I pretend to be. What kind of a life am I living if I'm sad 95% of the time. I think what makes me happy about this situation is that my sister looks just like me except a little more asian looking, so maybe while I'm out there trying to find your face in a million others you'll just look at one and think of me and what everyone says you missed out on "It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.” Rose Kennedy"
