All my life I was put down by several different groups of people, my friends, teachers, strangers, and my own "family". I have been told that I was worth nothing, that no one would ever fall in love with a person like me, that I am a waste of space, which is all true I suppose. I know nothing else but those things what else am I suppose to think? If the people in my own family don't want me why in the world would anyone else? I have tried many methods to find happiness, yoga, teas, running, reading, and many other things. However, nothing seems to work. Nothing is ever permanent, nothing sticks, nothing but those words.
What made me take 10 steps back? Last Tuesday I got on a plane to California to see Anthony home from deployment. Anthony is the guy I was suppose to marry. He was deployed for 7 1/2 months with barely any contact. The only contact we ever really had was through email. We had a great time together and I can honestly say that he has been the main reason why I have improved so much as far as cutting and other things. He would always make me face my problem whenever I was at a crossroad. Whenever I had blocked everything and everyone out he made me face it head on.... And for that a part of him will always be with me; I can say without regret I will always love him. But I am no good for anyone. I am a poison no one should ever have to deal with.
Back to why I took 10 steps back, I greeted him on Thursday and it was everything to me. To hold him again it felt as feel what I had been missing had been glued back to it's rightful place... We had bickered just like couples do, nothing too major. But I guess in the eyes of others it was something major. My mom had paid for his mother to fly over there to see him with me. The money is not the factor...
Our last day together was on Sunday, we had to drop him off at the barracks. I had noticed earlier throughout the day that his mother was upset, and not just upset because we had to drop him off. She at the moment gave off very strong vibes that I knew had to be towards me, don't ask me how but I just knew. She had wrote him a note that he did not notice by him and I did. He read it, and it had stated that I was nothing, I was not family, I was nothing. I was nothing but trouble. And she wanted him to choice between me or her.
I was not going to put anyone in that situation so I removed myself. I am nothing to cry over, no one to feel bad for, nothing to even thinking about giving up family for. I am like the note stated, nothing but trouble. I know in my heart I am nothing of value and nothing anyone could say change my mind. In that moment when Anthony had confronted his mother and she repeated everything in the note out loud I could not help but notice I felt that way before. Not sure where or when but I could feel it, the feeling was so familiar, a little too familiar.
When I was younger I remember sitting on my bed at night praying that someone could fix me. I prayed so hard to be fixed and for someone out there to love me, and when more bad events occurred in my life the more I put in my head that even God did not want to listen to me. There I was standing on the edge of the cliff all alone with no ones hand to hold, with no one telling me not to jump, with no one telling me I was important to someone. Not even God could have saved me for what I was slipping into back then, and now here I am. Once again at the edge of the cliff being pushed by my own emotions.
I remember being on my flight back home on Sunday night praying to God to please just fix me. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, please just fix me. I figured since I was in the clouds maybe he could hear me. Maybe he can see me, maybe the tears that had been streaming down my face were finally clear for him to see. After 5 hours of that it became clear to me that maybe I was not worth his or anyones time. As much as it stings my heart I can not ask someone to chose. I am no good for anyone anyway, I am truly sorry for wasting your time.
